i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
