his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
