She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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