I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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