moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize