i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
farters have to be the big spoon...
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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