she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
