fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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