Where did you get a picture of my penis
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
