so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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