note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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