Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
