Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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