I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize