i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
