The brown eye won't let me do that either.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
