I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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