I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
