I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize