She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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