I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
