she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
