you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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