10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
