Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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