Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i came on her dog
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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