today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
If I had your ass I would rule the world
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
