Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
