My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
