Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Randomize
