she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
