there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
