You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
