A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
