Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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