Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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