In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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