would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
