Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
