pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
