I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
