Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
