You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
