Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
