Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Me. At least after what I've been through.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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