someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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