nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
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