I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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