4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
