man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
