nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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