im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
