Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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