So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
