There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
