just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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