It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
