Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
