mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
