The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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